Previously on The Last Man on Earth...
Hello, God.
So I just got back from traveling around the country,
looking for anyone who might have survived the virus.
The whole women situation is the craps.
I would give anything to see another woman again.
If you could send one my way...
- Okay, back up! Back up! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you the one who put up all those "Alive in Tucson" signs?
Yes! That was me.
Phil Miller. Last man on Earth.
Carol Pilbasian. Last woman on Earth.
Then in South Carolina, I found some heirloom artichoke seedlings.
Makes my mouth water just thinking about those.
Then in Tampa, I scored just a ton of radishes.
You wouldn't think Florida for radishes, but they are absolutely chockablock.
They say, "If you can't find a radish in Tampa, just walk five feet."
They're abundant.
Oh, God, how long have I been talking?
Like, you know, 45 minutes. It's fine, it's fine.
I am so sorry.
I must have all this conversation
that's just been waiting to get out inside of me.
Yeah.
- Well, it's all coming out now, right? - Flowing.
So, what about you? Um, what did you do for a job?
I was a temp.
Oh.
- I'm sorry. How old are you? - I'm 41.
Oh!
Okay.
Well, you know, it's not something I'm super proud of.
You mean not something of which you are super proud?
Yeah. Were you an English teacher?
No, I was an office manager at a hot sauce bottling company.
Sounds like a spicy job.
No, it... I didn't work with the spices. I was filing.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Oh, oh, oh.
I want to protect the ceramic.
Noted.
And you have to make eye contact, or it won't come true.
- Oh, okay. Well, let's try it again. - Okay.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Ripped By mstoll
Uh... Oh!
That was a stop sign.
Yeah, it was.
And you just went right through it.
Uh, yes, I did.
Well, could you do me a favor and stop at the next one?
Carol, stop signs are there to mediate traffic
and traffic doesn't exist anymore, so essentially, stop signs don't either.
Yeah, except that they do. And I'd rather you stopped at them.
Oh! Here's one. Here's one. Here's one.
Okay, okay, okay. Stopping.
Looking both ways. And moving on.
Here we go. I'm gonna ease into it.
Feel better?
- Thank you, Phil. - Yeah.
I can't wait to see your house.
They say a person's home is a reflection of their soul.
So, this is my toilet pool.
And here's my garbage pool, and this is my margarita pool.
You swim in that?
Well, I swim in it, I drink out of it.
There's really no wrong way to use a margarita pool.
You know what I mean?
Ooh!
Work your way through here.
Sorry, it's kind of messy right now.
What a collection of cans.
Ooh!
Where'd you get all these paintings?
You know, I took them from various museums.
I got some van Goghs and Monets.
In that pile alone, there's, like, a billion dollars worth of famous paintings.
So, you stole all these paintings?
What? No. No. Plus, I take very good care of this stuff...
Oh, shoot.
I'd better dry this baby off.
There we go. Dry as new. Sorry, Rembrandt.
Phil, what are these?
- Uh... - And those and those and that?
They are magazines.
Oh. What kind of magazines?
Well, they are masturbatory magazines.
Okay. Okay.
What? Is there, uh, something wrong?
You know, I'm just trying not to judge the book by its cover.
And what book are you referring to, Carol?
The book to which I'm referring is called Phil Miller.
Sounds like a good book.
It's the story of a man with a brothel of a home
and a pool filled with human excrement.
Carol, there's no running water.
Did you ever try to fix that?
I did fix it. With a toilet pool.
- Hmm. - You probably would have done
the exact same thing.
No, I know that I wouldn't have, because I'm not an animal.
So, I'm an animal now? Okay, thank you.
I'm just saying that if you diverted
a small percentage of your masturbation energy
towards fixing the water problem,
you might be going potty in a toilet right now.
Maybe we should get you back to that campsite.
Look, I know you've been through a hard time, we both have,
but I'm gonna help you get your life back together.
Well, I am looking forward to that.
Good first day.
Great first day.
See you tomorrow...
Carol?
- What are you doing in here? - Good morning!
Remember how I said your home was a reflection of your soul?
Well, I'm cleaning up your soul.
Well, next time you want to clean up my soul,
could you please give me a little advanced notice beforehand?
- Of course. - Yeah.
- Sorry. - Okay.
Here, I'll just put it back the way you had it.
That'd be great.
Wait now, no, no, no!
Be gentle! Carol, Carol! Watch out for my Jenga tower, okay?
I spent a lot of time on that.
And you think that's time well spent, Phil?
Yes, I do.
Phil, you can't just be playing with your Yenga all day.
We have work to do.
I need gardening supplies, you need cleaning supplies.
We're going to the store.
No, we're not...
- Whoa, what are you doing? - What now?
This is a handicapped parking spot.
Okay, Carol. We're the last two people on Earth.
If by some tiny chance,
a handicapped person happens to be driving through Tucson
and makes a beeline for this hardware store,
they can park right over there, which is even closer to the store.
That's not a parking spot.
- That is a spot, Carol! - No, it's not a spot.
- And that is a parking spot. - No.
And that is a parking spot.
The whole freaking world is a parking spot now.
It's one of the only benefits of our situation.
In fact, you know what? I want to park a little closer.
What are you doing?
Getting a closer parking spot.
This spot feels right to me. This feels good.
So that's it, huh? You don't care about rules or laws anymore?
What's next? You gonna burn down a church?
Carol, I would never burn down a church.
- Why? - It's a church!
And this is a store, and that is a handicapped parking spot!
Fine.
So, guess who's not the last person on Earth anymore?
It should be the best day of my life, right?
I mean, you guys know how horny I've been.
Just so, so, so, so, so horny. Just next-level horny.
But this woman is just a turd.
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Maybe I'm being too harsh.
At times she's almost kind of cute.
Then she opens her mouth and it just sucks.
What a turd. Eight ball, corner pocket.
Oh!
"Ooh, I want to fix you, Phil." That's what she said to me.
I'm a work in progress, sure,
but I've progressed to the point where it's...
I'm very close, I'm very close.
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Bottom line, and I can't believe I'm saying this,
I think I need a little space.
No, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Carol. Carol.
- Carol. Carol. Carol? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - I'm moving in next door.
- Carol... - Yeah.
There are, no exaggeration, all the houses in the world to choose from.
Why does it have to be the house right next door to mine?
What's wrong?
Do you do weird stuff in your house that you don't want me to see?
I... No, I do not do weird stuff. I do normal stuff,
but I'd like to do that normal stuff in private.
Are you afraid I'm gonna see you naked?
Does this answer your question?
Do you want me to look at it? Hello.
- No! No, Carol. - What do you say, little guy?
Is this what you want? I'm looking right at it.
- Carol, stop this. Come on, Carol. Carol. - Don't be scared.
Look, I'll choose a different house, but I'm staying in this neighborhood.
All right.
How much longer are we gonna dance around this?
Dance around what?
The reason we both survived, our purpose.
We were chosen.
Would you just say what you're trying to say?
Repopulation, you dumb donkey!
Something we have to do!
Together!
Carol, no disrespect here, but have you ever heard the phrase,
"I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person on Earth"?
You think I want to repopulate with you?
Oh, I would rather eat a cat. And I love cats.
And the thought of killing a cat and then eating its little furry body, like,
that's how I feel about making love to you.
So we're done here, then?
Oh, not by a long shot.
The fate of the human race is depending on us.
You may hide behind that rat's nest of a beard of yours
and pretend that you don't care about anything,
but I know that deep down inside of you,
there is a nice-smelling person who actually gives a hoot,
and I am not giving up until I find him!
Well, good luck with that, Carol.
I'm gonna find him!
You're a great guy, Phil!
Somewhere in there!
Hi, Phil!
Carol! Geez! Can I get a little privacy here?
Oh, definitely. If you used your inside toilet.
What part of "no running water" do you not understand?
All of it. I mean, look at what you're doing, Phil.
Carol, this works for me.
The fact that it doesn't work for you is not my problem.
I just want to live like a human being again.
I want to take a shower. I want to water my garden.
I want our kids to have fresh fruits and vegetables.
- Our kids? - Yes.
Carol, I am definitely not having kids with you.
Fine, I want fresh fruits and vegetables. Don't you want that?
I honestly don't care.
Suit yourself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mmm!
What is that?
Oh.
This to-mah-to?
Carol, just say "tomato."
Phil, some people say "to-mah-to." I'm one of those people.
Of course you are.
Now, I grew this personally, and I would love to grow more,
but I need help getting water to my garden.
Are you in? Are you out?
I'm definitely out.
I was never even close to being in. In any way.
All right. But those that don't help, don't eat.
Bye.
Mmm. Mmm.
Yeah. Looks disgusting.
Oh, so juicy! Oh!
Ah!
Son of a bee sting!
That really hurt!
You enjoy those to-mah-toes, Phil?
I don't know what you're talking about.
- You stole my to-mah-toes, Phil. - Did not.
You stole my to-mah-toes and you left poop in my garden.
Must have been a raccoon.
You're a terrorist.
What happened to your foot?
I dropped the manhole cover on it.
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I'm fine.
Son of a bee sting!
Ah!
You win, manhole!
Carol, what are you doing?
What does it look like?
It looks like you're making a toilet fountain.
Bingo. And you'll be happy to hear I've given up on the water project.
- And everything else, too. - Are your pants on?
For now.
Look, what are you talking about?
- I can't even raise a to-mah-to. - Tomato.
What makes me think I could ever give birth to a whole new civilization?
- Carol, I think you're overreacting a little. - Look, you're off the hook.
I was wrong about our purpose. We weren't chosen.
We were forgotten.
Carol, it's just a stupid garden.
Yeah. It's also a parking spot.
I really do have to go. Like, bad.
I'm gonna tell you a story
Damn it!
I'm gonna tell you about my town
Yeah, down by the river
Damn it.
Down by the banks of the River Charles
Damn it!
That's what's happening, baby
That's where you'll find me
Along with lovers, muggers and thieves
But they're cool people
Well, I love that dirty water
Damn it.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Damn it!
You've been tamed, sir.
Damn it!
Well, I love that dirty water
Ah!
Damn it!
- Carol. - Hello, Phil.
- How's the foot? - Not great.
- How's the toilet fountain? - Full.
Oh, geez, Carol.
Could you come with me for a minute?
You know anything about this?
Nope. Can't help you.
Really?
No. Carol, I mean, look at this thing.
Whoever did this would've had to stay up all night, you know,
go research water systems at a library and then put all this stuff together.
Do I look like somebody who could do something like that?
You're right. Couldn't have been you.
Hey. You want to come over for dinner tonight?
Yeah. I'd like that.
Okay.
Well, see you.
Hey, Carol?
You know I did this, right?
Yeah, I know, Phil.
It was a lot of work and it took all night
and I had to go to a library and read a bunch of crap.
Yeah, it's very, very obvious it was you who did it.
Feels good, I'll admit. It feels good to be so selfless.
Anyway, we can talk more about it at dinner.
Okay.
I have a feeling we're gonna remember what I did here today for a long time.
And that's cool.
You showed a lot of chutzpah today, Phil.
And it made me think that maybe God does want us to lay together.
- Okay. - Oh.
- I've been really horny, so... - Well, that's nice.
- I should probably go wash my balls first. - Mmm!
Meet you back here in five, we'll knock it out?
No.
Wait, I don't... What do you mean?
I'm not gonna have sex with you unless we're married.
It's nice to see you smile.
That is your first really good joke. That's very funny.
Phil, I'm not kidding.
We have to be married first.
- You're serious. - Yes.
- Oh, then, no. - Phil, we can't...
- Absolute no. - Why not?
What do you mean, "Why not?" Why?
The first child of this new world is not gonna be a bastard.
Yeah, 'cause it's not gonna exist, 'cause I'm not gonna marry you.
Then you're the bastard.
- Fine, I'm the bastard. - And goodbye human race.
Thank you for dinner.
- I am going to go back to my house... - Right.
Think about how crazy you are...
- Okay. Enjoy those... - You are being serious?
Yes.
Why do you have to be married?
It doesn't mean anything anymore.
It means something to me, Phil.
Well, it doesn't mean anything to me.
Then why do you care?
What is happening here?
It's tomato! It's tomato!
Oh, hi.
Fine. We're married.
Phil, get down on one knee and do it properly.
This is so stupid.
Can you do it over here?
- Carol... - Well, do it...
- Get it over here, over here... - No!
- This is where the proposal is happening. - Okay.
You want it, you come over here and get it.
Okay.
Carol... What's your middle name?
Andrew.
- Andrew? - Yeah.
What is that, a family name?
No.
Carol Andrew Pilbasian, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes, I will! Yes, I will.
- You will? - Yes!
Oh!
- Did you have any doubt? - I was so nervous.
Oh!
Yay!
We're getting married!
Yeah.
Yay!
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